guess it's safe to say, i actually have someone to thank for all of this realization. he may never know who he is, how i feel or ever read this for that matter but regardless, it's truthful. when you become so use to something over time, you start to see it die down. even though it will never totally disappear, it weakens as every moment loses it's specialty. that was never my intentions. i gave all the love i had to friends, family, him; just to try to make a balance between them all. my plan and love failed miserably and for what reasons? well that question has been a question i've pondered and pondered and pondered; and i still don't have an answer. i don't think i ever will get my answer. he might have begun this year, but he will not finish it. i won't let him. it's always heart over mind, heart over mind. but for once, i had to say fuck that. still till this day, i keep the memories of compassion with me. the fact that i had something no one else could even fucking reach upon. a romance that was graceful and intense. i don't know if i'll ever reach to that point again but i now at least can sit here saying "i hope so" and he taught me that. i feel myself moving forward now, never backwards. i see myself being capable of having a flawless love and that's thanks to him. if it wasn't for the selfishness, mood swings, chaotic parts; i might have never FULLY developed into how i am now. i saw something so incredible, rot down to nothing. and it wasn't just him; it was my family and friends that connected with it all. my world disappeared right in my very hands and what did i do? let every piece fall to the ground, as i was being taken for granted. not no more. i use to regret not being this way from the beginning of everything because maybe if i was, things wouldn't have went to shit. i would have my old best friend back, an even better relationship with my family and even him.
all these "milestones" have left me to this point.
and here i am... typing this entry, getting ready for tonight, listening to music, still breathing.
and this is all ok, why? because i'm finally content with myself. i'm finally content with the people surrounding me, all of them. and i'm more than thankful that he helped me greatly appreciate this. i've learned to appreciate the new beginnings and relationships i'm about to endure in. appreciate the bundle of love i'm saving up for someone who finally deserves it. appreciate my family, the roof over my head, the friends who i confide in, my education, goals, mindset, just everything! i can finally live my life to the fullest advantage knowing that this year is behind me and it's time to start out fresh. i have my ambitions, my great friends, even my eye set on someone; and i will never let any of these aspects of my life down. this time i'm never looking back. i will never be wondering what if, what could have been. my life will continue to be my puzzle, i'll find my missing pieces, my perfect matches; and i won't give up figuring this one out until the very end.